Assertiveness training
The word assertiveness is used to describe behaviour which helps us to communicate clearly our WANTS, NEEDS and FEELINGS to other people without abusing their rights as human beings. It is not about 'getting what you want' all the time, but about negotiating life without constant anxiety or lack of self-confidence, It is an alternative to aggressive, passive or manipulative behaviour.
There are few people who manage to be assertive in all areas of their lives. Some of us may be assertive at work but experience difficulties with our personal relationships, others may cope well within their personal relationships but lack assertive skills within their work situation.
Assertiveness skills affect all areas of our lives, personal, social and work, from communicating with friends or partners, to returning faulty goods to shops or asking the boss for a rise.
The way in which we behave and communicate with others is an important factor in the development of stress. Poor communication may often lead to unhealthy relationships which may subsequently result in increased stress. Assertiveness skills lie at the heart of good interpersonal communication and poor assertiveness skills can lead to the development of a variety of problems. If we are unable to say 'no' to other people we run the risk of being overwhelmed by their demands. If we fail to speak up for ourselves, express personal feelings or thoughts then we are unlikely to feel comfortable or fulfilled with our identities. On the other hand if we can only communicate in an aggressive or manipulative way we may fail to develop healthy or trusting relationships.
Assertiveness training is a structured intervention aimed at improving the effectiveness of our communication skills in all these areas and involves a number of components:
- Understanding the underlying principles of assertiveness.
- Recognizing the different styles of communication.
- Identifying specific situations in which we would like to become more assertive.
- To prepare, rehearse or role play a different, more assertive response.
- Transfering that behaviour into 'real life' situations.
The philosophy behind assertiveness is based on the premise that:-
'we are all equal, with no one being more, or less, important than anybody else and because we are all equal we all possess the same basic human rights'
The goal of assertiveness training is that:'we learn to stand up for our rights without violating the rights of others'
However, learning to become assertive means that we make certain changes in the way that we behave and communicate with other people. Relationships are at the best of times complex, and it may be that when one partner begins to change, the other will feel threatened. Therefore it is important that we discuss changes that we intend to make in ourselves with those people who might be affected. In this way we can reduce the risk of this occuring.
Why Are We Unassertive?
There is no one reason why we lack assertiveness skills but rather a combination of the experiences that occur when we are young. Basically we learn to become unassertive.
In some respects this is a good thing because if we can learn to become unassertive then we can learn to become assertive. We learn ways of behaving from our early childhood, modelling our behaviour on that of people who are important to us, eg. teachers and parents. Quickly we learn to adapt this behaviour in different situations according to the responses we receive. We learn to behave differently in different situations. Thus, we might have behaved in a different way at school than we did at home.
Situations in which we are unassertive are usually those in which we lack confidence. Lack of self-confidence is frequently the reason for our inappropriate behaviour. If as children we had our needs poorly met, were bullied or teased for expressing our thoughts and feelings or given little sense of security to develop as individuals in certain areas, then it is likely that we will be unassertive in these areas in our adult life. There are clearly a number of factors that effect whether or not we are assertive. Consider how the following might have influenced your assertiveness:-
- How assertive were your parents, other role models?
- What were your brothers or sisters like?
- What was your position in your family?
- What sort of school did you go to? What was it like?
- What did you achieve at school and afterwards?
- Your sex
- Your social class
Often we can end up blaming ourselves for our lack of assertiveness and this only serves to make us feel even more inadequate. Often we overlook the influences of our personal and social backgrounds. Beginning to understand why we are unassertive can often relieve some of the guilt and sense of personal responsibility that we might be experiencing. So
