Why Bother To Become Assertive
You will probably be aware of the many disadvantages of being unassertive but you may well be less aware of the advantages of assertiveness. The first thing to do is to look at the disadvantages of being unassertive. If we are unassertive we risk:
being exploited and treated as a'pushover'
not getting the respect that you deserve and hating yourself for it
resenting people who ask you to do things when you agree unwillingly spending time on other people's priorities and responsibilities rather than your own
personal exhaustion and despair at being unable to succeed at being all things to all people
depression as the backlog of resentment gets turned inwards on yourself
loss of own identity
How many of these do you recognise about your own situation? So what are the advantages of being assertive?
we are able to communicate our needs more openly and honestly
we come away from situations knowing that we have done our best even if we haven't got what we wanted
we become more self-confident and relaxed and are happy to be ourselves
we are aware of both our strenghts and weaknesses and are not afraid of taking risks
we will be able to view mistakes positively and see them as an opportunity to learn
we develop the ability to know when we are being treated unjustly or being exploited and will be able to deal with the situation effectively
finally we learn to use our assertiveness skills appropriately, knowing when it's best to take a back seat and when to stand our ground and fight
Remember that being assertive is not about 'winning' or'gettlng what you want' all the time. It is not about being selfish. It Is about being able to express yourself freely end to stand up for your rights, but without violating the rights of others. It Is about negotiation and compromise.
Aggressive,Passive or Assertive - What's The Difference?
Many people are confused about the differences between aggressive, passive and assertive behaviour. Very often assertiveness is seen as being 'selfish' or'greedy'. This may well originate from the belief that we should always put other people before ourselves.
Being selfish entails getting what you want without due regard to others and if necessary by violating their rights as human beings. If we are assertive we treat others as equals and we not only acknowledge and stand up for our rights but for their's as well.
Frequently being assertive is seen as being aggressive. Being aggressive may well sometimes get us what we want but it will also make the people that we deal with feel 'put-down', a loser and that they are not being shown the respect they deserve as a fellow human being. It may also result in people being aggressive in return.
The advantage of being assertive Is that you can go Into a situation where you may lose eventually, you're not given the job you want or you may find that people renege on a contract they've made with you, but you feel better about yourself If you say what you feel and If you're clear about expressing that. It's about increasing self-confidence and self-respect rather than winning every time.
(Anne Dickson - author of 'A Woman In Your Own Right')
By bringing our wants, needs and feelings into the open, and making others aware of them, we can often avoid much of the confusion and unstated anger and frustration that often exists in relation- ships. Being assertive means:
- deciding what we want
- deciding if it is fair
- asking for it clearly
- not being afraid to take risks
- being calm and relaxed
- expressing our feelings openly
- giving and taking compliments easily
- giving and taking fair criticism
- It does not mean:
- beating about the bush
- going behind people's backs
- bullying
- calling people names
- bottling up our feelings
