Becoming Assertive
This involves standing up for our personal rights and expressing our thoughts, feelings and beliefs directly, honestly and spontaneously in a way that is respectful of the rights of other people. An assertive person evaluates a situation, decides how to act, and responds without undue anxiety or guilt. They respect themselves and other people and take responsibility for their actions and decisions. They are aware of what they want and ask for it in an open and direct manner. If refused, they feel appropriately disappointed but they do not suffer a blow to their self-esteem.
Assertive behaviour is based on the belief that the person have the same rights, responsibilities and personal self-worth as other people.
Assertive rights are those rights and expectations that any human being has by virtue of their existence. The important thing to remember is that everybody has these rights. As human beings we have:
1) The right to ask for what we want (realising that the other person has the right to say'No').
2) The right to express our feelings, opinions and beliefs.
3) The right to make our own decisions and to cope with the consequences.
4) The right to say 'yes' and 'no' for ourselves.
5) The right to change our minds.
6) The right to say "I don't understand"
7) The right to choose whether or not to get involved in the problems of someone else.
8) The right to make mistakes.
9) The right to be alone and to be independent.
10) The right to privacy.
11) The right to be successful and to acknowledge it.
12) The right to change ourselves and be assertive people.
Its all too easy for us to forget that we have these rights and that makes it even more difficult to stand up and fight for them. The more aware we are of the rights we have, the more confident we will be about working towards them.
Read through the list of rights on a regular basis to remind yourself of them. If you have difficulty accepting any of them, then mark these on the list and spend some time thinking about how abusing these rights is stopping you from getting the most our of life. You might find it helpful to discuss them with someone who doesn't lack assertiveness.
Self-respect
Being assertive is not just about dealing with the negative and problematic aspects of our lives. It is also about being able to acknowledge our strengths and to recognize when we have done something well. It is also about improving our self-esteem and our self-confidence.
Respecting and valuing ourselves, having self-esteem, is one of the corner-stones of assertiveness. Often our experiences can lead us to have a diminished level of self-respect which is further diminished by our tendancy to compare ourselves with others, attempting to live up to their expectations, and negating our own strengths.
However, each one of us is unique. Each one of us is different, but equal. Our most helpful option is to accept ourselves for what we are as individuals in our own rights and not in comparison to others. Having strong self-esteem is not believing that we are perfect, but simply accepting ourselves for who we are.
Giving and Taking Compliments
One way of improving our self-esteem is to learn to accept our positive aspects, to acknowledge these with others by accepting compliments. Asking people to identify negative and positive aspects of themselves usually results in a long list of negatives with maybe a few positive points.
Our lack of self-confidence and self-esteem inhibits our ability to identify our strengths. When we do make, or acknowledge, a positive comment about ourselves we invariably follow it up with a negative remark: "Yes, I am a good player, but I should be, I've been playing for years".
It is all too easy to reject compliments if our self-esteem is low and we believe that we don't deserve them. However, rejecting compliments simply feeds into the already poor view we have of ourselves. Learning to accept compliments comfortably can take some practice, but as we become more used to it we will find that is has a positive affect on how we view ourselves. We very soon begin to feel good about ourselves. To help you to accept compliments, which for many people is difficult, just agree with it in a simple and direct way. Ex: "Thank you, I think it looks nice on me tool" "Thank you, I thought I did a good job as well!" Listen to what people tell you about yourself, and give them the benefit of the doubt. They may be right, but then you can still make your own judgement about it and do what you decide.
Expressing opinions is not always about standing up for our rights, sometimes it can be about saying that we like something, someone, or something that someone has done for us. Having learned to accept compliments and become aware of the positive effect they have on us, we can move on to giving them to other people. In doing so we need to be assertive stating our feelings or opinions in a clear and straightforward manner. There is no better way of improving our relationships with other people.
Taking Risks
Another way of improving our self-esteem is to start taking 'risks' by starting to do things that we don't do because of our lack of assertiveness. Our level of self-esteem is affected by our everyday activities; the more risks we take, the more our self-esteem increases.
Jim's self-confidence was consistently being knocked by his workmates. He was allowing himself to be exploited at work, always ending up doing the boring, mundane jobs that no-one else wanted to do. As time went on he began to feel more and more worthless and his self-esteem diminished. Once he began to put into practice the techniques that he had learnt at assertiveness training, and started to take risks by standing up for himself and fulfilling some of this own needs, his self-esteem rose to a level where he began to tackle things that previously he had thought himself incapable of.
There are many ways of taking risks, some of them are even enjoyable! Here are a few ideas:
- starting up a conversation with someone in a queue
- going into the pub alone
- taking up a new hobby
- acknowledging your strengths to other people
- making time for yourself
- buying a different style of clothing
- going to see a film you wouldn't normally see
- asking for help and support when you need it
- going to a disco
- giving and taking compliments
Start by taking small risks and gradually build up your'risk taking', working towards taking the big chances in your life. Accepting and looking after ourselves is not entirely selfish. The quality of our relationships with other people is ultimately enhanced by our self-esteem. It is also vital when we learn to deal with criticism.
