Thoughts & Beliefs
At the core of cognitive behavioural psychotherapy is the idea that automatic thoughts are ideas that we, come spontaneously, and seem plausible to are often be associated with negative feelings about your self, your relationship and your partner in distressed couples. Automatic thoughts, however, are only thoughts and they may or may not be true.
Below, are examples of some automatic thoughts that are typical among distressed couples.
1. Labeling you attribute a negative personality trait to your spouse leading you to believe that he or she can never change.
" He's/she is aggressive" " she's/he is neurotic" He/she is lazy"
2. Fortune-telling you forecast the future and predict that things will never get better, leaving you felling helpless and hopeless.
" She/He'll never change" "I'll always be unhappy in my marriage/relationship."
3. Mind-reading you interpret the motivations of your spouse as hostile or selfish on the basis of very little evidence. "You don't care how I feel" " You're saying that because you're trying to get back at me2 " You don't really mean what you are saying."
4. Catastrophic thinking you treat conflict or problems as if they indicate that the world has ended or that your marriage is awful." It's awful that we have these arguments" "I can't stand her nagging" "It's awful that we haven't had sex recently."
5. Emotional reasoning you feel depressed and anxious and you conclude that your emotions indicate that your marriage is a failure." We must have a terrible marriage because I'm unhappy."" I don't have the same feelings toward him that I used to--therefore we're no longer in love."
6. Negative filter you focus on the few negative experiences in your relationship and fail to recognise or recall the positives. You probably bring up past history in a series of complaints that sounds like you're putting your spouse on trial.
" You were rude toward me last week." " You talked to that other person and ignored me entirely."
7. All or nothing thinking you describe your interactions as being all good or all bad without examining the possibility that some experiences with your spouse are positive.
"You're never kind toward me." "You never show affection." " You're always negative."
8. Discounting the positive you may recognise the positives that do exist, but you disregard them by saying--" that's what a wife or husband should do."
"Well, so what that he did that---it means nothing" " these are trivial things that you're talking about"
9. Perfectionism you hold up a standard for a relationship that is unrealistically high and then compare your relationship to this standard.
" It's not like it was in the first year--so it's not worth it"
" my wife (husband) should make me happy all the time."
10. Shoulds you have a list of "commandments" about your relationship and condemn yourself (when you're depressed) or your spouse (when you're angry) for not living up to your shoulds.
" My spouse should always know what I want without my asking"
" If my spouse doesn't do what I want her (him) to do I should punish him (her)."
" I shouldn't ever be unhappy (bored, angry, etc.) With my spouse."
" I shouldn't have to work at a relationship--it should come naturally."
" Our sex life should always be fantastic."
11. Personalising you attribute your partner's moods and behaviour to something about yourself or you take all the blame for the problems.
" He's in a bad mood because of me." " If it weren't for me, we wouldn't have any of these problems."
12. Externalisation of responsibility you believe that all the problems in the relationships are out of your control." If it weren't for her, we wouldn't have these problems." " He argues with me, that's why we can't get along."
